Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Tiny Feet - Big Love

I was cleaning Abraham's closet the other day, getting rid of stuff that was just accumulating. And I pulled this out. It really should be in a fire safe box, because if I lost it, I would be devastated.

Aside from pictures, it is one of the only things I have left of Moses.

The day he passed away the amazing nurses at Hopkins made hand and foot prints and cut a lock of his hair for us to have. These are the molds that we received, wrapped in a blanket that was knitted for Project Linus (which ironically the 4th grade students at RFE participate in).

As I pulled out the box and unwrapped it, Abraham came into the room and asked what it was. I told him it was Moses' foot print. I told him that HIS foot was that small once. He promptly put his foot up next to the print and firmly stated, "I have a big foot now Momma." I willed the tears to not come rolling down my face. "Yes Abraham, you have a big boy's foot now."

As he walked out of the room, I thought of my sweet Moses. How his little feet had walked into the lives and hearts of so many people: Michael and I, our families, nurses, doctors, church family, friends... Those sweet feet brought more joy and happiness in one month than any other child could have. He only had a short time on this earth but no little boy was loved more than Moses was. His feet and his life left a lasting impression on our hearts.

Moses has been on my heart a lot lately. I think about what he would have been like. I wonder if he and Abraham would have looked alike. Sometimes in pictures of Abraham I see him, or what my mind thinks he would have looked like.

I see Downs Syndrome children and I smile wistfully, wishing for him to be with me.

I am drawn to other women who have lost a child. I feel a kindred spirit with them that I'll never be able to explain to anyone, not even Michael.

Not many days go by without a thought of Moses. It has been 2 1/2 years since Moses returned to Jesus. I've heard that time heals wounds, but I don't know about that. I'm not sure that I will ever be over his death. I'm not sure that I have really dealt with the emotions of that time in my life. So much was left unsaid. Stuffed deep inside. Maybe one of these days I'll get it all out. Maybe.

As for me, I have my sweet Abraham who is a constant reminder that I am to take each day with him as a gift from the Father and a day to treasure. I love on him doubly as much, I hug him tighter, I tell him I love him more, and I spend all the time I can with him. He is my miracle boy and I love him with all of my heart. He is a blessing!


Mel said...

Oh Erinn, I cannot even imagine all that you have been through, but I admire the strength you have shown. I wish I would have been able to meet your Moses when he was here on Earth, but know that I will one day. What a great surprise to find the footprint and be able to share it with Abe. (((hugs)))

Gilpatriclife said...

What a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing your heart. I have to say you made me cry.
Give my sweet friend Abraham a hug from me today.
Love you guys

Paul & Linda said...

Sweeties 3,

I sit here reading this post about Moses and Abraham and my heart is overwhelmed with emotions....something akin to the ones I feel each time I hear that ALETHEA song entitled "nightingale" that I shared with you. Is it possible that all of us have so many pent up emotions stuffed down so deep inside about this wonderful little life of Moses that we are--for some reason--afraid to share with each other?? I have SO many thoughts about Moses....followed by SO many thoughts of dear Nanny. Oh how a Mothers love is such an indescribeable 'thing'---this kind of love can absolutely only have as its Source an amazing GOD Who IS LOVE HIMSELF!! Know how very much Daddy & I love you guys and how our hearts have been forever touched by the life of our precious Moses.....and of our sweetie Abraham! Thank you for allowing us to just soak up the love of that dear little boy!

with all our love, Daddy & Momma :-)

jennifer said...

Erinn, I had no idea Moses had Down syndrome until I read his memorial page. I work as a speech pathologist and specialize in DS.

I am crying my eyes out right now - you know what it's like to be touched so deeply by someone so small. And the profound value that Moses' life has to others.
Love, Jenn